No More Parties

I'm contemplating the idea of penning an amendment to my own personal constitution which will forbid my attendance at large gatherings of people.

Don't get me wrong, I love some people.  Highly inspiring people exist in the world, and I hope to always seek them out and spend my time around them.  However, I have never known how to function in settings with lots of people.  This is an inadequacy I have, yet I don't feel much remorse about this inability.  To me, the beauty inside of people can only be experienced on an individual basis, because every person is unique.  When speaking of "getting to know people," this really can only be done in an intimate setting, and you can only get to know  people one at a time.

When at parties, I always end up doing the same thing:  I single out one or a few people I try to learn about, and try to engage them in conversation.  Either that last sentence sounded obvious to you, or it sounded completely foreign to you, based on the type of parties you tend to attend.  Some parties are loud heart-pounding dance club shindigs, and others are laid-back forums for games, stories, drinks, and conversation. But personally, my goal in a get-together of either of these types is always the same:  find a character to examine in a one-on-one setting.  I will hunt for a conversation in much the same way a lioness will isolate a single gazelle from its herd.

This isn't always possible, however.  In a loud bar with techno blasting away my ability to hear beyond my sixties, my strategy of learning about people fails.  Clubs are a no-go for me.  In some of these places with overbearing levels of light and sound, it almost feels like any and all measures will be taken to prevent all the awkward people inside from having to speak to each other.  It feels like the goal is to relieve these patrons of the burden of having to actually associate with one another.  One thing is for sure though-- those who continually choose to dwell in environments where conversation is impossible have no right to consider themselves socialites.

I'm not exactly a social butterfly; but anyone who sees no use in getting to know others should have no right to say they are "social."  Engaging in activities alongside others doesn't increase your social expertise if those activities don't involve interaction among the various participants.  Watching a movie together isn't socializing.  Going to a club together without exchanging a word doesn't constitute socializing.  You can do these things and talk about it with each other, and reflect on your mutual experience; however, there is nothing "social" about experiencing something individually but in the same space.  It's possible to be lonely in a crowd; it's how I feel in almost every crowded, loud, overstimulating environment.  The only way to make myself feel less lonely is to find myself a confidante and try to establish a mutual level of understanding with him or her.  Plus, that's the best way to keep me entertained:  introduce me to a new soul to explore and learn about.  Dance music all sounds the same to me, and lights all look the same.  The souls of people, though-- they are incredibly diverse and mysterious.  Light and sound are all around, but the vast disparities among people's inner essences make them fascinating.  People are worlds, and I want to explore.  But to me, you can't explore more than one world at once.  That's why large parties never made much sense to me.